


Limericks

by HASA_Archivist



Category: The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Multi-Age, Poetry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-14
Updated: 2003-06-26
Packaged: 2018-03-22 21:33:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 4,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3744313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HASA_Archivist/pseuds/HASA_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of limericks of varying taste levels...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Éomer, Éowyn, and Rohan

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the HASA Transition Team: This story was originally archived at [HASA](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Henneth_Ann%C3%BBn_Story_Archive), which closed in February 2015. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in February 2015. We posted announcements about the move, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this author, please contact The HASA Transition Team using the e-mail address on the [HASA collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/hasa/profile).

Young Eomer, Lord of the Mark  
offered Grima a caustic remark  
for this dashing young marshall  
(to whom we are partial)  
can still spot a snake in the dark  
\--powzie

 

Éomer fears no Ring which may bind him  
with the sorest of trials not behind him;  
fangirls fence o'er his braids,  
vow they'll no more be maids  
if alone in the stables they find him!  
\--Nessime

To the stables of Rohan they flock  
all propriety meaning to mock.  
They desire game imperial,  
but he's wed to Lothiriel,  
and the stables held just one old cock.  
\--Nessime

T'was not my intention to shock  
When the fangirls I did choose to mock.  
For if Chanticleer's pappy  
could make all the hens happy,  
would that not make him "cock of the walk?"  
\--Nessime

 

Of yore, in Rohan antique  
'Tis of lordly appearance I speak.  
Fangirls look at those muscles  
and want to have tussles,  
We adore that kingly physique!  
\--Lyllyn

Eowyn said 'I require  
a man like you to admire'  
Alas, Aragorn,  
while not stooping to scorn,  
declined to put out her fire.

So twas the raven of Ithilien  
who proved himself one in million,  
He said 'Eowyn my dear  
would you like to come here,  
and I'll enter you in my pavilion.  
\--Lyllyn

 

I've a bone of contention to pick  
with PJ's Two Towers flick:  
tho' he was in fine fettle,  
Hasufel had to settle;  
his part lost to some movie-verse shtick.  
\--Nessime

And just where is Gríma Wormtongue,  
To whom cruel malevolence clung?  
The Langue de Serpent*  
(as is his dark wont)  
's off examining Éowyn's lungs.  
\--Dwimordene  
    *The translation of Gríma's moniker into French--snake-tongue.

Grima with tongue of a worm  
ruled Edoras with a rod so firm;  
asked why he turned traitor,  
said the petty dictator  
"I want to see Eowyn squirm!"  
\--Lyllyn

 

The Worm has a tongue that will slither  
And creepy crawl hither and thither.  
But when it speaks in the night  
To its Lady all White  
Then it will stand and deliver.  
\--Alawa

 

 

Discuss these or any other limericks at this [forum](http://www.henneth-annun.net/members/forums/threads.cfm?confId=6&forumId=272).


	2. fanfic, writing, and HASA

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of limericks of varying taste levels...

Writers there were most audacious  
creating rhymes brash and salacious.  
Fangirls laughed with delight  
whilst imagining the sight  
of those men whom they thought quite bodacious!  
\--Nessime

As we gaze down this road to perdition  
we might ask, "How came this condition?"  
Nods to Lyllyn and Tay,  
who sent us on our way.  
But 'twas Dwim who gave them this commission.  
\--Nessime

Mariel who at times wrote fanfiction  
was distraught at the strength of addiction  
She developed a stash  
of h/c, angst and slash  
Surely this is a grievous affliction!  
\--Lyllyn

_And the ever-popular subject from the All the Good Beasts thread in Challenges: (anyone who hasn't read it should do so, or skip this next one.)_

A hamster named by his master as Gilly  
Said "Denethor, you are so silly,  
It may be a surprise  
but please use your eyes  
Treat me as a colt, not a filly!  
\--Lyllyn

 

The choice between limericks and tennis:  
What a difficult question that is!  
To read these verses  
or watch Philippousis?  
The answer: It depends if Henman wins  
\--paranoidangel  
 _(although he won't be on court for at least another couple of hours - I'm watching Philippousis instead)_

 

They say to the purists, "No fun  
Can be had if you're bound to canon."  
But they just don't know  
How low we can go  
We're armed to the teeth with bad puns.  
\--Dwimordene

 

Our limerick lust-fest should show  
What everyone already knows:  
Innuendo is easy  
Too facile is the sleazy  
It's literature lays us low!  
\--Dwimordene

 

_How about a limerick in honor of the difficulties we have with formal metric analyses?_

The iamb to me was a myst'ry  
Likewise anapests and the trochee  
The only 'dactyls I knew  
had tails and flew  
But pterosaurs cared not for poetry!  
\--Dwimordene

 

Discuss these or any other limericks at this [forum](http://www.henneth-annun.net/members/forums/threads.cfm?confId=6&forumId=272).


	3. The Brothers of Gondor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of limericks of varying taste levels...

There are two boys from Gondor named ‘Mir’  
who defended her eastern frontier  
that we hope will be seen  
in a nude-bathing scene  
when the third movie makes its premier  
\--powzie

The oldest Mir brother has steel  
That the forum-girls find has appeal  
(Though his sword is quite fine,  
I speak of his behind….  
Its his buns that we all want to feel)

I find that at odd times I ponder  
The beautiful dimples of Gondor  
And the soft, silky skin  
That the dimples lie in….  
Sorry… I let my mind wander  
\--powzie

The ranger was grim and unshaven  
The stewards son searched for a haven  
I felt all of fifteen  
Watching Viggo and Bean…  
But my heart still belongs to the raven  
\--powzie

When grey Numenorian eyes  
Are just begging to be rhymed with “thighs”  
It’s not his morality  
But his sexuality  
On which my raven relies….  
\--powzie

 

Let Powzie hold on to her raven,  
His integrity’s made her a maven.  
So upright, so pure;  
but I found a cure  
for that nonsense, my dear -- Blade-cravin’.  
\--flick

 

The man was called Boromir  
And was good at handling his gear  
He would not please his king  
Whilst desiring the Ring  
And appeared to be quite austere.  
\--Elvenesse

 

Behold beautiful doomed Boromir,  
a bright vision from Gondor so drear;  
what great luck he is played  
so close to the Blade  
and with such an admirable rear.  
\--Lyllyn

 

For her ode to a dimple admired  
which the Mir brothers' behinds inspired,  
flick exclaimed with delight  
"Now the end is in sight!"  
 _Next with limericks we'll 'gainst her conspire!_  
\--Nessime

It was launched with dreams of Sean Bean's butt;  
and soon followed the ponderings of what  
lay beneath those ranger hoods  
*yes, my dears, that's the real goods!*  
Gleefully we've descended to smut.  
\--Nessime

 

In Ithilien's fragrant green wood  
I'm a tireless warrior for good,  
my swordwork is pleasing  
if subtle and teasing  
the hidden blade is my ranger-hood.  
\--Lyllyn

 

Tay/powsie/fileg wrote: _I desperately want to make a ‘business’ sign to hang over my desk that says “Ogling Dunedain Since 1963” Wouldn’t that look great on my website?_

'Ogling Dunedain' read the banner  
described lust in an elegant manner,  
they've really got the goods  
in their cute little hoods-  
she got so heated they had to fan her.  
\--Lyllyn

 

There once was a lady named powzie  
Who quite fancied grey-eyed Atani  
"With those great strong thighs  
It's no wonder why I've  
Ogled Dúnedain since '63!"  
\--Dwim

 

This tendency towards Duanadan ogling  
May seem to some mind-boggling  
More so with Powzie  
At it since sixty three  
But to me it seems quite ennobling  
\--Acacea

 

There's a poetry maven named Tay  
Long has favored the Dúnadain grey;  
But will ogling suffice?  
Sure 'twood give life some spice  
If those ranger hoods came out to play!  
\--Nessime

 

Discuss these or any other limericks at this [forum](http://www.henneth-annun.net/members/forums/threads.cfm?confId=6&forumId=272).


	4. Aragorn and Rangers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of limericks of varying taste levels...

An heir to the kings named Elessar  
put the blame squarely on the professor.  
'Here I'm horny as hell  
Arwen's in Rivendell'  
Nightly urges: a serious stressor.  
\--Lyllyn

'Cock of the walk' indeed,  
was the ranger chieftain at need.  
as a virtuous man  
kept himself in hand,  
for Arwen only, he'd scatter his seed.  
\--Lyllyn

 

Aragorn after his stag night  
Looked and felt such a fright  
that on his wedding day  
Arwen nearly stayed away  
For he couldn't be seen in the light.  
\--paranoidangel

 

For his wedding day Aragorn couldn't wait.  
"Being single," he said, "I do hate.  
For too long my hand  
Has been my sex life and  
After we're wed Arwen and I can mate."  
\--paranoidangel

 

A maiden to fanfic a stranger  
Exclaimed upon meeting a ranger  
‘I’ve ne’er understood  
Why a man in a hood  
Smacks of such exquisite danger!’  
\--Alawa

There once was a ranger called Strider  
Well known as both walker and rider.  
Eagles were impressed,  
When on visiting their nest,  
He proved also an excellent glider.  
\--Alawa

 

Arwen failed to take into account  
he had honor he could not surmount  
Nor could Eowyn tempt  
Our bold ranger, unkempt-  
It was Brego who got him to mount…  
\--powzie

 

The ranger called Aragorn  
As an uncrowned king was born  
He was soon taught to fight  
With his kingdom in sight  
But without Arwen was forlorn.  
\--Elvenesse

 

Said the ranger from the north  
To the father of the elf he sought  
‘Aye, she is my kindred  
And our children may be inbred  
But let not that be the reason for your wrath’

Pat came the father’s reply to the future king  
‘The problem is not what the coupling may bring  
But that I must hold my nose  
If to you I come too close  
And that I hate to do when in the air is spring.’

‘Cease! Desist! Halt!’ cried out Estel  
‘That I am scruffy I know well  
But there is a reason valid  
Behind my appearance squalid  
I fear the secret I must now tell’

‘You see, I sought to apply  
To enter Harad as a spy  
Alas being too gaunt  
To go as an oliphaunt  
I was forced to play a pigsty’  
\--Acacea

 

Incomprehensible though it be to a stranger  
Ogling Dunedain put Tay in danger;  
what made her feel dafter  
was the strength of the laughter  
whilst admiring the 'hood' of the ranger.  
\--Lyllyn

A ranger with chin covered by stubble,  
caused forum readers no end of trouble;  
His conduct so lewd  
caused drinks to be spewed  
reducing their keyboards to rubble.  
\--Lyllyn

 

There once was a man named Thorongil  
Who knew it'd be far too long til  
He married his lass,  
But why let chance pass,  
When Denethor quite fit the bill?

When his days of errantry were done  
he joined the quest to be rid of The One  
With brave Boromir  
He found love in arrears *cough*  
Said he, "Ah, like father, like son!"

Doubt put Boromir on the rack  
Til Aragorn took him out back  
Said 'Mir, "Thank you lord!  
I've now seen his sword  
Of faith, love, and Hope I've no lack!"  
\--Dwimordene

 

Discuss these or any other limericks at this forum [forum](http://www.henneth-annun.net/members/forums/threads.cfm?confId=6&forumId=272).


	5. Legolas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of limericks of varying taste levels...

Leg'las whose looks are considered delightful  
found the fangirls' attention quite frightful  
'I am losing my selfhood  
in talk of my elfhood  
Ai! - need a counselor who's most insightful!'  
\--Lyllyn

 

There was an elf called Legolas  
The dwarf he liked to harass  
Soon they became fast friends  
After making amends  
For he was as pretty as a lass!  
\--Elvenesse

 

I offer an answer quite brash  
To our boys – use a little panache  
Fix the problem yourself -  
You’re a grown man (and elf!)  
Look out! Here come fan-girls with slash!  
\--powzie

 

Discuss these or any other limericks at this [forum](http://www.henneth-annun.net/members/forums/threads.cfm?confId=6&forumId=272).


	6. Wizards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of limericks of varying taste levels...

The Grey Wizard is scratching his head  
o'er the visions we take to our beds.  
"Now consider the Maia  
possessing such fire;  
yet you lust after mortals instead!"  
\--Nessime

 

[This one] of (more) questionable propriety, [is] about going to the movies with Chris---

When Saruman, grinning with glee  
after pulling down every last tree  
said “You will taste manflesh!”  
I said -“Hope it’s still fresh!”  
And she replied, “Supersize me!  
\--powzie

A wizard who lived in Orthanc  
decided to pull off a prank,  
Put itch powder on Lurtz,  
who punched where it hurts  
and called him a 'blankety-blank.'  
\--Lyllyn

 

Hail to the wizard Mithrandir  
Was there ever a pilgrim more randier?  
For skill with his staff,  
As he walks his lone path,  
You’ll never find anyone handier.  
\--Alawa

 

Discuss these or any other limericks at this [forum](http://www.henneth-annun.net/members/forums/threads.cfm?confId=6&forumId=272)


	7. Elrond

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of limericks of varying taste levels...

I am an Elven Lord  
My treasures I do not hoard  
However, I do no think I oughter  
Freely give up my daughter  
Until I’m sure he can handle his sword.  
\--Elvenesse

 

Elrond is so full of woe  
Because we like to torture him so.  
Though his family's all dead  
He's still filled with dread:  
Fan-fic writers are his greatest foe.  
\--paranoidangel

Poor Elrond indeed, I am sure.  
To stop this torture he did implore:  
"Just wait till the end  
of the Third Age and then  
I'll be off to my wife in Valinor."  
\--paranoidangel

 

My best friend, of whom I am fond  
Forged a very strong link in our bond  
When she leaned very near,  
Whispering in my ear…  
“You know, I’d sleep with that Elrond!”  
\--powzie

Here's my contribution to this insanity, in the form of Elrond.

Whilst reclining in my bower  
I think of the Rings of Power  
And about the danger  
If found by a stranger  
But worse, if lost in the shower!

I am an ancient Elven Lord  
And my treasures I do not hoard,  
I do not think I oughter  
Freely give up my daughter  
Until he can handle his sword.

I was forced to swear an oath  
To wait before pledging my troth,  
Daddy was getting mad  
As having sis’ was bad  
However, she now shares my sloth.  
\--Elvenesse

 

Discuss these or any other limericks at this [forum](http://www.henneth-annun.net/members/forums/threads.cfm?confId=6&forumId=272).


	8. Miscellaneous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of limericks of varying taste levels...

There once was a creature called Smeagol,  
Who went sailing with his brother Deagol.  
As he’d do anything  
To grab hold of his ring,  
The outcome was highly illegal.  
\--Alawa

The Pelennor’s all of a clamour  
On account of the Underworld’s Hammer.  
Trolls will ditch everything  
Just to give him a swing,  
Grond is such a redoubtable rammer.  
\--Alawa

 

Whilst sitting in my bower  
I think upon the Rings of Power  
And of the danger  
If they fell into the hands of a stranger  
But worse, if they came off in the shower!  
\--Elvenesse

 

Discuss these or any other limericks at this [forum](http://www.henneth-annun.net/members/forums/threads.cfm?confId=6&forumId=272).


	9. Assorted men and elves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of limericks of varying taste levels...

Prince Imrahil, Knight of the Swan  
has a part that, though sketchily drawn  
will be sorely missed  
if it doesn’t exist  
when Return of the King is put on  
\--powzie

A clever young elf named Figwit  
Had but little screen time to transmit  
His uncanny allure…  
But his 'name' will endure  
For he managed to use every bit  
\--powzie

Where’s Elrohir? Where’s Elladan?  
In vain for their faces we scan -  
Were you unaware  
We’d be walking on air  
If you doubled our pleasure in Cannes?  
\--powzie

 

A brave one is golden Glorfindel,  
even death his appeal could not dwindle.  
Rivendell found him a hottie  
in his gorgeous new body;  
the elf-maidens' lust he did kindle.  
\--Lyllyn

A balrog with whip in the air,  
Dragged Glor off of a cliff by his hair.  
he said 'I'm sadistic,  
if you're masochistic,  
we really could make quite a pair.'  
\--Lyllyn

 

Said Finduilas, "Denethor's virtue  
For me is scarcely an issue.  
If he lies with a man  
I'll give him to his 'fans'  
Til he renders to me my just due.  
\--Dwimordene

 

The sons of Elrond are identical,  
Making their advantage psychological.  
When joking with each other  
Each pretends to be his brother.  
The result is often quite comical.

So alike my brother and I -  
Black of hair and grey of eye.  
Now you may chortle  
But we are immortal.  
Not for us our fate to die.  
\--paranoidangel

So Delightfully outre are the twins,  
always wicked, and charming, with grins;  
Most write them lascivious  
to taboos quite oblivious  
contentedly immersed in their sins.

The twins by most standards are not measured,  
By each other they often are pleasured;  
Or so fangirls say  
when their lust, it holds sway  
Alas the prose that results - rarely treasured.

(with apologies to those who write good E/E.)  
\--Lyllyn

 

 

Discuss these or any other limericks at this [forum](http://www.henneth-annun.net/members/forums/threads.cfm?confId=6&forumId=272).


	10. Hobbits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of limericks of varying taste levels...

  
Hobbits, be they ever so humble,  
Seem forever to be taking a tumble,  
And from Mordor to Bree,  
While love is yet free,  
They’ll happily hand out a fumble.  
\--Alawa

 

There was a hobbit called Frodo  
Who on a quest decided to go  
He always looked shifty  
And despite being thrifty  
It nearly ended in woe.

There was a hobbit called Sam  
He always had his frying pan  
To follow his master he was bound  
In doing so he almost drowned  
When after Frodo he swam.

There was a hobbit called Merry  
Who luckily could control the ferry  
And when he was faced  
With the prospect of being chased  
He could also handle a wherry.

There was a hobbit called Pippin  
Who had a slightly prominent chin  
Of his cousin he was fond  
As they shared a close bond  
And he had a perpetual grin.  
\--Elvenesse

 

 

Discuss these or any other limericks at this [forum](http://www.henneth-annun.net/members/forums/threads.cfm?confId=6&forumId=272).


	11. The Foul Dwimmerlaik

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of limericks of varying taste levels...

With apologies to Dwim, who is only foul when she's heaving nuzgûls.

 

The Foul Dwimmerlaik:  
Our Dwimordene thinks she's so clever  
in attempting those nuzgûl to sever  
their attatchment to her;  
but they answer, "No, sir!  
We belong to you, now and forever!"  
\---Nessime

 

A purveyor, by name Dwimordene  
said "Buy my pets-sight unseen;  
they're cuddly and cute,  
fanged and hirsute,  
And when hungry, exceptionally mean.  
\--Lyllyn

Dwim, who fine nuzgûl did purvey,  
plied her trade on the list at HA.  
Sharpening fangs with a file,  
she gloated the while,  
"Forty bites for Memorial Day!"  
\--Lyllyn

 

From the keys of Dwim's precious laptop,  
beasts and nuzgûl continue to hop;  
but now she’s been bitten,  
by limericks smitten.  
She’s pleading, “Somebody stop me… please, stop!”  
\--flick

 

 

Discuss these or any other limericks at this [forum](http://www.henneth-annun.net/members/forums/threads.cfm?confId=6&forumId=272).


	12. Dwarves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of limericks of varying taste levels...

There was a dwarf called Gimli  
Lets state it quite simply  
He liked to annoy the elf  
Whilst not admitting to himself  
He’d love to act more freely.  
\--Elvenesse

 

Balin’s settlers had Moria humming  
With clothing and gemstones quite stunning.  
With their dwarf hoods as well,  
Trimmed with tassel and bell,  
No wonder the orcs heard them coming.  
\--Alawa

 

Discuss these or any other limericks at this [forum](http://www.henneth-annun.net/members/forums/threads.cfm?confId=6&forumId=272).


	13. Challenges (aka Dueling Limericks)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of limericks of varying taste levels...

Launched by the immortal words of Alawa: _O.K. I challenge someone to use the words **stand and deliver**_

The Raven, an archer so good,  
a maiden surprised in the wood.  
His hand went to his quiver,  
said, “Stand and deliver!”  
“Well, sir, just take off that hood….”  
\--flick

 

Seeing the fuss on his wedding eve  
Elessar sought to offer reprieve  
“Forego this needless palaver,”  
On the morrow, just stand and deliver”  
Replied the Raven “My liege, ask and ye shall receive.”  
\--Acacea

 

Near the mouth of a cave by the river  
PPC* found a sword, bow and quiver.  
When the pair they had flushed  
claimed the Elf as he blushed,  
"Blame the script - it said, Stand and deliver!"

*Protectors of the Plot Continuum  
\--Nessime

The Worm has a tongue that will slither  
And creepy crawl hither and thither.  
But when it speaks in the night  
To its Lady all White  
Then it will stand and deliver.  
\--Alawa

  
When Arwen at last had full girth,  
It came time for Eldarion's birth;  
She felt all a-shiver  
to stand and deliver,  
Not how its done on this earth!  
\--Lyllyn

*******

_This makes me think of the inimitable EW's Aragorn Stew re the inappropriateness of the usual hobbit chat up line "Your hole or mine, Aragorn?"_ \--Alawa

_I also thought of the line from Aragorn Stew, and I challenge someone to use "your hole or mine" in a limerick._ \--Lyllyn

 

Ahem. Inspired by that, and by poor Ang who accidentally inspired me to come up with a line about "hobbit holes" last year...

For Dwarves it's "for whom's the bell toll?"  
But for those who've a Halfling to roll,  
The question to ask  
While raising a flask  
Is "Wanna show me your hobbit hole?"  
\--Dwimordene

 

To write what we want would be sublime  
When Nuzguls come chomping, and eat up our time  
We try to resist... but  
End up in the rut  
We dug ourselves- so, your hole or mine?  
\--AfterEver

 

Upon reaching their home in the Shire  
Frodo turned to Sam to enquire:  
"Now we've returned fine,  
Your hole or mine?  
Though mine has a much bigger fire."  
\--paranoidangel

 

In fanfic the noblest may find  
They’re forced to find ways to unwind.  
Frowned grave Aragorn  
‘You know this is porn?’  
Grinned Faramir ‘Your hole or mine?’*

*Foxhole that is, they are Rangers after all.  
\--Alawa

 

And for the contrarian 'clean' entry:

Gondor's steward and king would define  
the mathematics that made up a line  
'Tis a part of the whole  
But what is its role?'  
'We speak then of your whole or mine?'  
\--Lyllyn

 

 

Discuss these or any other limericks at this [forum](http://www.henneth-annun.net/members/forums/threads.cfm?confId=6&forumId=272).


	14. It's Not My Fault!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of limericks of varying taste levels...

**The finger pointing begins:**

_I hope you notice that none of this is My Fault, btw._ \--Altariel

 

Altariel was quite demure  
"Of inspiring you, I'm quite pure  
Of wicked intent  
My fanfictional bent  
's towards making dear Faramir purr."

_So there. It is now "Your Fault." No reason I should be the one stuck with *all* the blame after all._

Altariel it was who inspired  
Anglachel the tech god to wire  
HASA with forums  
Expecting decorum  
Would keep us from lustful quagmires.

_There. Even better._  
\--Dwimordene

 

_If Lyllyn can blame Dwim, then I can blame Lyllyn!_

At the computer I was eating  
My browser sang me a greeting  
And in my box of mail  
That I check without fail  
Was a proposal for meeting

A discussion called 'Limericks'  
Of which Lyllyn needed a fix  
And said I should observe  
What I rightfully deserve  
After all my dirty tricks

'Addictive!' she said  
I pondered (well fed)  
And while brushing my teeth  
These thoughts did repeat  
'I should peek before bed'

And so at this time  
Shame indeed is mine  
For until just now  
I never knew how  
There was more ways than one to rhyme  
\--AfterEver

Altariel tries to be good,  
But the struggle brings tears of blood:  
"If these buggers persist  
There's no way I'll resist  
Writing dogg'rel 'bout boys in the hood."  
\--Altariel

_Altariel:_  
The briar-set path you admire  
after which but few souls inquire  
is hardly enough  
temptation to snuff  
You know you'll choose rather the mire.

Dwim would like all to remember:  
'Twas Lyllyn who lim'ricks did send her  
I'm just not to blame  
If in my name  
Baser natures were stirred in list members!  
\--Dwimordene

To Dwim I may owe fair apology  
for inspiring salacious anthology;  
oh, I claimed myself victim  
of the one who first sicced 'em -  
a symbol of my perverse pathology  
\--Lyllyn

To the flood of crude rhymes she cried 'halt!  
We must cease this lewd minded assault,  
With this lack of propiety  
we're not fit for society  
I declare to you all: not my fault!'  
\--Lyllyn

 

 

Discuss these or any other limericks at this [forum](http://www.henneth-annun.net/members/forums/threads.cfm?confId=6&forumId=272).


	15. Calm down - It's Just A Little Ornithology

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of limericks of varying taste levels...

  
To a sparrow, a little brown thing  
Said a raven - “How sweetly you sing.  
Let’s nestle together -  
Just raise your tail feather  
And I’ll take you, under my wing”

The sparrow replied to the raven  
As she settled in his feathered haven  
“I thought that you would  
Like a kiss ‘neath your hood…”  
(This leads to two birds, misbehavin’...)  
\--powsie/fileg

_Addendum: I totally forgot to add my footnote...that Morrigu, the Great Queen of the Gaelic War Goddesses used to appear as a hoodie crow to incite especially valiant warriors to reckless, heroic deeds... so giving the raven a hood is not AU!_

 

There follows here dear Fileg's rant  
"For ornithology surely you can't  
Hold me as a tease:  
It's the birds and the bees  
(and the Rangers) who cause you to pant!"  
\--Dwimordene

The bees know that garden and bower  
holds treasure, hid deep in each flower  
as the hood of the raven  
hides stubble unshaven -  
reveal it, and I’m in his power  
\--powsie/fileg

 

 

Discuss these or any other limericks at this [forum](http://www.henneth-annun.net/members/forums/threads.cfm?confId=6&forumId=272).


	16. LOTR, the Limerick Version. Yes, really...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of limericks of varying taste levels...

_Herewith, **The Lord of the Rings** rendered in limericks. A tough, dirty job, but someone's got to do it... WIP.... to be filled in how and where anyone wishes. Feel free to add._

**The Fellowship of the Ring**

_Prologue: 1. Concerning Hobbits_

J.R.R. Tolkien, by name,  
again speaks of hobbits (the same  
folk so old  
of whom Bilbo told  
in the _Red Book_ that’s now much acclaimed.

Quiet and peace do they love,  
and good, well-tilled earth all above.  
Quick of hearing, sharp-eyed,  
machines they despise  
(‘cept stills and the products thereof).

Smaller than dwarves, it is true,  
their height is not something they rue.  
They can disappear  
when big Men draw near,  
and laugh at the whole clumsy crew.

As a people they’re know to be merry,  
as a rule their feet bare, tough and hairy.  
They love a good joke,  
even more a good smoke,  
and o’er a fine meal often tarry.

By most other folk long unknown,  
left in peace in the Shire on their own;  
by chance or by fate  
(as Tolkien relates)  
into the large world they were thrown.  
 _\--flick_

 

_Book One  
Chapter 9. At the Sign of the Prancing Pony_

A warning from impending danger  
uttered the mysterious ranger  
from beneath his hood  
to Hobbits so cute  
llest they head off with a scraggy stranger.  
 _\--fliewatuet_

***

**The Two Towers**

_Book Three.  
Chapter 2. The Riders of Rohan._

In pursuit of the Orcs the three hunters sped  
away from the place where Boromir's spirit'd fled  
up hill and down dale  
their strength did not fail  
until they ran straigth into an éored.  
 _\-- fliewatuet_  



	17. The Limerick Lover's Version of the Silmarillion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A collection of limericks of varying taste levels...

In the beginning all things were darkness  
but the Ainur's great music brought madness!  
Out of turmoil came light  
(Melkor ran in a fright!)  
Eru cried: "Ea!" and ended the blackness. -- Starlight

Though of all Being, Eru was lord  
From his choir there sounded discord  
Thrice Melkor arose  
But he'll reap what he sows  
His pride forefeit our misericorde.*

Said Melkor, "Has not my plan splendor?  
Follow me and creation I'll render  
Joyous without pain  
Through my wisdom's reign  
O'er the earth, it's a gift that I tender!"

But Eru replied, "Oh my child,  
Your heart is unruly and wild  
You'd break my cov'nant  
to remake the firmament  
And all else in your rebellious style.

"But I say unto you that your thirst  
For freedom shall be your own curse:  
Most deeply to you  
I'll reveal my view  
And you'll see that I'm Lord, do your worst!" --Dwimordene

Then Melkor was wroth and contemptuous  
his spirit swiftly turned voracious  
Lusting e'er for the Light  
He's descended from might  
Now he's fallen in tumults outrageous!

Since that time are the Valar at war  
breeding order they garnered discord  
But then Tulkas prevailed  
at his laugh Melkor quailed,  
but was wroth. Did they make matters worse? --Starlight

So the Springtime of Arda endured  
For far longer than any have heard  
But Melkor returned  
For he had by then learned  
How to hide from Lord Manwë's spy birds

Then Almaren was laid to waste  
Of mis'ry 'twas but a small taste  
As high rose the Pelóri  
In all of their glory  
So deep was Utumno in hate

Then came the upbuilding of Valinor  
Twas more fair than Almaren before  
But Grace flows downhill  
So you know that breach will  
jigger thermodynamical vectors

Then arose the city of Valmar  
And the Ring of Doom, Máhanaxar  
Despite many bells  
A silence befell  
Upon the green mound, Ezellohar

Then Yavanna stretched forth her power  
The Two Trees grew there swiftly to flower  
The Count of Time flowed  
Whence Telperion first glowed  
And the days became reckoned by hours

Now Arda awaited the Firstborn  
While the Valar did Aman adorn  
But Manwë took care  
Through his birds of the air  
That Middle-earth was not wholly forlorn

And the tides of those outer seas  
Did flow but to Ulmo's decrees  
The ebb and the flow  
Of the waters below  
Even wastelands brought life secretly

For beneath even Melkor's abode  
Water coursed through the Earth's deepest lodes  
Nor did Ulmo forsake  
What Eru did create  
For he lives in the veins of the world.(1) --Dwimordene

[skipping ahead several centuries]

Then Elwing leapt into the sea  
To keep the jewel forever free  
She then became a bird  
As Ulmo her pleas heard  
Away from Noldor treachery. --Elvenesse

(1) "veins of the world" stolen from Silm, 20, "Valaquenta."

Discuss these or any other limericks at this [forum](http://www.henneth-annun.net/members/forums/threads.cfm?confId=6&forumId=272).


End file.
